Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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