I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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