you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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