Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
