my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
