Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
