I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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