closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
