Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
