so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
two words: eviction party
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
