did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
