So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize