This is not my ceiling
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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