sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
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