she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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