just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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