hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
