drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
