i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
as a side note pls kill me
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
