it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
