Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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