My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Be still, my beating vagina.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I can't put those talents on a resume
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
