you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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