woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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