There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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