hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
we're making bets on your personal life
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
