you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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