you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
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