Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
