im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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