I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize