I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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