It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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