I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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