hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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