i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
