I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
