My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Randomize
