I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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