hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
