hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
