My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
