I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You were trust falling into bushes
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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