my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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