just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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