At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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