The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
dude i'm inner monologue high
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
