I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
