Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
