Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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