Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
