literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
