Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
